Like most of you I watched the NFL playoff games over the weekend, and all I could say when the games were finally over was: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THOSE NOSE BANDAGES?
Jerry Rice had one. Reggie White had one. Barry Foster had one; Ricky Watters; William Floyd. A lot of the San Diego Chargers had them.
Most of the players who had them on were black, but one of the white guys on Green Bay, the linebacker, "Ice-Pop," he had one.
How come Madden didn't talk about it?
What is it, like a secret code?
Is it a fashion statement? Are earrings passe, and now everybody's getting bandaged? So what's next, Deion wrapped in gauze, like The Mummy?
Oh, I know -- it's a nose thang, I wouldn't understand.
Come on, whisper it to me (thanks, Connie); I won't breathe a word. Breathe a word, get it? I hate to be nosy, but it's becoming a big trend, and it's nothing to sneeze at. Ultra fashionable Mike "That Toddlin' Town" Wilbon already has a Hugo Boss nose bandage!
Advertisement
The first player I saw wear one was Herschel Walker. He wore it against the Redskins at RFK last November. Some folks thought he had a broken nose, but knowing how loopy Herschel is, I figured it had something to do with push-ups or sit-ups or the bobsled, or whichever new thing Herschel was obsessing about -- maybe he was undergoing aroma therapy.
So I did some sniffing around ...
The bandage turns out to be a product called "Breathe Right," which stretches your nose and opens your nasal passages. According to stories in the Wall Street Journal and the Philadelphia Inquirer, it was originally designed for people to wear overnight, to thwart snoring and alleviate nasal congestion. All of a sudden it's become chic in the NFL -- like belt towels and those gloves that receivers wear. (You'll notice coaches don't wear these Breathe Rights; they probably don't want to smell their players.)
Advertisement
Excuse me, Tony, but enough of these horrible stinking, get it, nose puns already.
Don't tell me they haven't beaked your interest? I snouted around for good ones.
I think these devices would become particularly popular with sportswriters if they came in "beer" or "free-food" scent. Actually, I wish there was a bandage sportswriters could put on that opened the passages to our brain so we could write faster on deadline, or one that would open our ears to hear conversations behind closed doors. (My editors have asked that I refrain from discussing additional orifices.)
I guess they gave out some bandages to the officials in the San Diego-Miami game -- only the officials put them over their EYES! Where'd they get that crew from, Wal-Mart? Forget that bizarre call on the Keith "Excuse Me, I'm Having A Psychotic Episode" Jackson forward lateral; at least that call was right, even if the rule makes no sense. But what about the touchdown they gave Natrone Means when he clearly stepped out of bounds, and the touchdown they took away from Shawn Jefferson when he had both feet in? Calls like that reinvigorate the campaign for instant replay. As you know I oppose instant replay because it's anything but instant. Nor do I like the suggested modification to the instant replay system, where teams are permitted to challenge a certain number of calls per half. What is this, a game show? Should they replace Jerry Markbreit with Alex Trebek? I favor all eligible receivers dipping their shoes in pigs' blood prior to each snap, so it's obvious by their footprints whether they were inbounds. Players who keep kosher can dip in another kind of blood -- and if Miami fans have their way it will be Tom Olivadotti's.
Advertisement
Now for some brief observations on the weekend's games:
What kind of gutless call did Bill Belichick make, going for the field goal instead of the first down, with one foot to go on the Pittsburgh 4-yard line? There are three minutes to go in the half, and you're down 17-0. You need six, Billy. Please don't tell me you're thinking you're going to hold the Steelers, because they already had 2,000 yards.
I guess Vinny didn't bury all the ghosts after all.
Unlike Belichick foolishly ignoring Mark Rypien, Chicago's Dave Wannstedt correctly went to Plan B and brought in Erik Kramer for Steve Walsh in the second half. It didn't do any good because the 49ers were superior. I've seen reruns of "Gilligan's Island" with more suspense. The 49ers pulled their starters so early, Steve Young and Jerry Rice could have made afternoon tea at the Fairmont. If I wanted to see this much of Elvis Grbac, I'd have gone to his bris.
Advertisement
I'm not wild about that high-tech Forrest Gump/Zelig commercial, where the quarterback, Elmer Someone-or-other, is on all the Super Bowl teams. But the one with the nuns "surfing the net" is fabulous.
Now let's get out of here with this thought: If it's Blair Thomas, or Blair Underwood, or Bonnie Blair -- anybody but Emmitt Smith -- the Cowboys don't have a chance. But if Emmitt is healthy, anyone who writes off Dallas ought to get a brain bandage to open up the blood flow to their cerebellum. Dallas is stocked with people who are experienced at winning playoff games; Troy Aikman, for example, has never lost a playoff game, as in never. This stuff you read about the Cowboys struggling in December and being vulnerable was nonsense. Ordinarily you wouldn't trust a team that thinks it can simply turn it on in the playoffs. But the one team that can is a veteran, dynasty-type such as the Cowboys.
The pressure isn't going to be on Dallas at all, but on San Francisco -- specifically on Young, who has yet to do squadoosh in a ballyhooed playoff game. As the media will remind Young all week long, this is the most important game of his life, the most important game of Deion Sanders's too. Aikman and Michael Irvin have already passed that test.
CAPTION: The NFL's newest fashion statement is a nose bandage that is supposed to open nasal passages. Ricky Watters modeled his Saturday.
CAPTION: In the fashion-conscious NFL, the "Breathe Right" is in. San Francisco's Ricky Watters modeled his Saturday.
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZK6zr8eirZ5no6W8s8DSaGhycWVkfXJ7kGlmsKCRqXqivsRmq6Gno5p6tbTIp56sZaedvG66zqycaHFpZoBzspBrZJ%2BaZpd6dX2VnWSaa5VneqSCxG5pb2uTloF0fo4%3D